Note: I can use the term “geezer” with impunity, because I am one.
You may think it premature to be concerned about which facility will be right for your aging parent. At the moment he/she is just cute, not precocious maybe but clever in his/her own way, a beloved member of the family. But before you know it, the time will come when competition for placement in one of the prestigious and popular senior facilities will begin. Overnight, you will become one of those over-achieving adult children of aging parents – something you promised yourself you would never be - who want to be sure their parents are enrolled in the BEST place, the place they, the adult children, aspire to.
Imagine the pride you will feel when at your book club or discussion group meeting you casually note, in response to someone’s comment about an older parent: “My Mom has been accepted into “Pricey Pines Academy for The Gifted Geriatric. They only accept 5% of the applicants you know, so we feel very lucky.”
You might go on to mention that those who successfully complete the PPAGG program are practically guaranteed a place in the “Advanced Section of the Afterlife,” a coveted spot sought after by adult children of all races, creeds, and ethnicities.
You will want to note, casually but earnestly, that this is not why you sought this placement for your parents. Be clear that the choice for your forbears was made after careful consideration of the stimulating yet relaxed programs, the interesting yet democratic mix of the residents, and the lofty principles demanded of the caregivers (be sure not to say “caretakers.”)
In researching settings, there are several important things to look for. Although just “hanging out” with peers may be fun, in this day and age you need to look for institutional attributes such as:
Adult Education classes that no one enjoys. Grades will not be given, but you will receive written “progress reports,” describing how your elder is doing in areas such as “Dozes off well with others,” “Is self-motivated to get second helpings,” and “Uses toilet facilities appropriately, at least most of the time.”
There may be some New Age types (they are especially rampant among marriage, family, and child therapists) who will try to convince you otherwise, but competition and achievement is what it is all about, and that’s a fact of life forever and ever. Your parent’s performance at this stage of development can set the stage for a future of either mediocrity or excellence. For example, which mortuary will accept the remains? This may not seem important now, but just wait.
The aforementioned touchy-feely professionals will try to convince you that happiness and good adjustment are the proper goals for you to have in mind when looking into placements. They are referring to your parents’ needs, but what about you? Isn’t your place in society important? Did you spend all those years trying to live up to insane parental expectations just to let it all slide now in a pile of phony-baloney “as long as they are happy” goo? Is that how they raised you?
If you have been doing your job properly, your Mom and/or Dad should have no trouble getting into one of the top facilities. If you don’t know what you should have been doing, that strongly suggests that you have not been doing it and will have to take firm steps now. If you have allowed your elder to simply enjoy the golden years, relaxing and hanging out with contemporaries, sharing tales of past mischief, doing the minimum status-seeking exercises, you may need to enroll him/her in an intensive remedial program designed to help him/her choose and become proficient in appropriate hobbies and classy attitudes. For example:
Book clubs are always good. Phrases such as “excellent plot development” and “readable but not profound” soon become second nature to the members and can be brought out whenever necessary (that is, when nothing appropriate comes to mind and/or when the book has not been read.)
Ongoing enrollment in self-improvement and adult
education classes is critical. (The key word here is “enrollment;” “attendance.” won’t hurt either.
Foreign films trump American ones every time; “cinema” is considered the classier term and “movies” is just – well, forget about it. Other useful discussion terms include “iconic’ (don’t worry if he/she doesn’t know what it means, practically no one does. ) “Luminous” is good too. Check the movie reviews in newspapers or magazines; “The New Yorker” is an excellent source for snobs.
Judicious references to public radio are useful. T.V. talk should be severely restricted; limit remarks to commentaries, and for God’s sake forget about sitcoms.
Clothing and hair styles vary somewhat from place to place – check this out in advance. Casual is fine as long as it is expensive-casual.
Good luck!
